Deflated

Today I have to finally admit out loud that I have some extreme anxiety going on. Since Adrian has suddenly decided to just start screaming bloody murder any time we set him down, I thought maybe something was wrong that I couldn't see. He wakes up if set down and screams. He's fine if asleep and swaddled, but I reached a limit today. 

I called to see if his doctor would see him. He was booked. Go figure. They transfer me to a triage nurse who tells me we need to come in, but to urgent care based on his symptoms. He's also sounded congested but isn't. A sign of reflux, so I thought maybe he had it. 

I really, really do not ever want to take him back to urgent care again. Not only was I freaking out on my insides due to germs, I got poo pooed like I thought I would. Nothing's wrong, it's probably colic. That's what I was told. By this point I'm 110% deflated, exhausted and ready to find a new clinic. If you or anyone you know knows of a doctor that is good with preemies-let me know! 

Here's where my life gets fun. Not only am I now trying to get the five of us out of there, I had just gotten Adrian loaded up when Henry starts screaming. Where it even came from, I'll never know, but Viola scratched him just under his eye with a pencil. 

So now he's screaming, Adrian's screaming, and I'm upset with Viola and trying to right her wrong. We finally get out and home. I have a kid who has his pout face down and a cut that looks like a black eye at the right angle. 

This is the only productive thing and idea I had all day. I'm deflated. Exhausted. I feel lost and found myself wondering what my purpose is. I know what it is, but in that one moment my anxiety was through the roof. Yes. I have medication I take but today was just a bit much. 

I'm so focused on keeping things clean, safe and not messy that I think I'm on the verge of a break. I don't want to go too many places for fear of germs but don't want to feel stuck. I ordered this today in hopes of easing my worry when out and about. 

Call me crazy, but I'm not risking it. My kids alone before Adrian are always sick and I do not want to know what will happen if he gets too sick to handle it alone. 

Hopefully some sleep will take me into a better tomorrow. 

Until then!